Joy of Parenting

It's an interesting job. Over my coaching years, (32 of them), I have been told "you don't work, really, all you do is hit tennis balls." Or, "I wish I got to play tennis all day." Or, "It's a shame you ended up in a career where you don't use any of your education."

i will save my analysis of these and similar comments for another day. But I did bring it up and this is why. It is a strange calling. With few exceptions, (working with TOTAL beginners) I get paid to tell people things they already know! I have often said, "If people had perfect memories, I'd be out of a job!" Moreover, in addition to paying me for telling them things they already know, they keep coming back again and again for the same service!

I introduce this new post in this way for a similar reason. I wish to discuss with you who are tennis parents, a few vital chestnuts - most of which you already know! But most definitely bear repeating. You see, it's the reminder, not the revelation that has the greatest effect. It is absolutely NOT my wish to tell you how to parent, how to raise your child, or that what you are doing is wrong. I am simply taking a few concepts which have proven helpful and effective over the years, and reiterating them to the open mind of tennis ( or any sport) parents who care to listen. I think the kids will take something from it too. These ideas are in no rank or priority order, but all are important and have helped many over the years.

1- Love the kid you have, not the kid you wish you have

Every kid, and every junior tennis player is different, They all have different strengths and weaknesses, and all bring different qualities to the table. But you didn't get your kid into this wonderful sport to live vicariously through him or her. You did so because tennis teaches great life lessons about work ethic, perseverance, goal-setting, self- reliance and so much more - but you need to remember to let that happen. It is too easy to see the valedictorian, captain of the Rugby team, getting the full ride to Stanford and think, "Why can't you do that?" Compare your kid to your kid. You will both be a lot happier.

2-Let the coaches coach.

You already have bitten the bullet of paying a professional to direct your kid's training or you wouldn't know me or be reading my blog. As hard as it is to not repeat the corrections you hear, or be the eyes when we aren't around, you need to face what is happening in that Parent-Child dynamic. It's a pretty fine line between helping be the eyes of the coach, and stressing out your kid. Almost all communication with the coach is appropriate, but not necessarily with your kid. You say " you are not shaping your backswing correctly like your coach showed you", but your child hears " you didn't make an A on your Spanish exam and you let me and yourself down!"

There have been precious few examples of successful athletes who were coached by their parents because of this time-worn dynamic. In short, you don't go to the investment banker to get your car fixed. If you aren't an experienced teaching professional, accept your role of SUPPORT staff, and be an expert at what you do for a living. You will BOTH be a lot happier and your child won't wander toward that precipice of "I let my parents down They only love me when I win."

3-If you or your kid ever think" maybe I shouldn't watch" (your matches, your lessons, etc) Maybe you should try it.

Tennis is a lonely sport, and one of the most important life lessons a kid learns from it is self-reliance and problem solving. Sometimes they need to know they are alone to experience that. If your kid looks at you for approval after most points, success or failure, you are already approaching the need to experiment with not watching. I'm not suggesting you never watch your kid, but maybe come and go. Don't let them ALWAYS know you are there. Watch from a distance sometimes, or just watch select matches. Give it a try.

it's worth noting that Richard Williams doesn't watch either of Venus or Serena's matches and Federer's Dad watches Roger very seldom.

4- At all costs, avoid the cost$ issue

This is a very difficult one. I know this is a very expensive sport. Lessons, shoes, string jobs, racquets, tournaments, hotels, restaurants, +++ all adds up to a huge number. I'd like to think the life lesson returns are well worth it - but It is critical that your kid not feel (or hear!) how much money this is costing!! Either you have made this decision as a family for the long haul. or you should pull back (way back). The psychological damage of your child equating the quantity and quality of your love to a " return on Investment" is obvious. And if you think this will all turn out in a college scholarship, you'd be better off spending the money on lottery tickets.

5- Help them take responsibility for their own careers

Don't be that parent that rushes to the court after lessons and matches to relieve your overburdened athlete of carrying their bag. It's THEIR bag! They should carry it. And they should pack it, and they should rotate the contents , and make sure the right number of rackets is strung, etc. And they should be accountable if the lucky hat, sunglasses , sunblock, or power bars were left out. Empower them to have the biggest voice in their tournament schedule. I know you have to use your credit card, but that doesn't mean they can't join you in examining the schedule and planning a couple of months ahead- which major zones, which Opens, Which Nationals they want to try and play. Have your kid give the match report (you may need to embellish!) to the Coach, and even schedule the lessons.

Tennis is an amazing tool for teaching self -reliance, unless you complete NEGATE it by enabling them, and taking care of all their responsibilities. You'll have to introduce it slowly, but it should be done!

6- and last but not least. let's discuss

Post Match Chats and analysis

Your kids are going to jump for joy when they read this

rule # 1 (see item #2)

when you get in the car to leave the site

DO NOT start talking about the last match (almost always a loss) until your child brings it up first!!! If you take nothing else from this post, take this. They will talk about it when they are ready - and if they don't? They're still not ready. As hard as this will be for some of you, please realize that when you violate this rule, they're NOT LISTENING ANYWAY. I implore you on this one- to maintain a healthier relationship between you and your kid, and for no other reason. While on the topic, if you didn't see your kid's match and you are talking afterward in person or by phone, DO NOT ASK "did you win?" Start with "how do you feel?" " how did you play?" " are you hungry?" " do you want to hang out for a while", but never "Did you win?" !! It sends the entirely wrong message about why you do this - and more importantly, if the answer is NO (most of the time- for all players) then the rest of the conversation is poisoned. For the health and well-being of this kid you love, let the kid tell you the results.

Truly? I could write a book on this stuff. It is all based on experiences and episodes compiled over the years. There are probably a hundred more bullet points you can find, all valid, from all points of view, I chose these for brevity, and because they have proven the most effective in my years of coaching. If I get one of you to improve your relationship with your kid 1%, this was time well spent. You all know that my goal is/was/and always will be to help make better people, not just better tennis

players. I hope in some small way these concepts help us all achieve that goal.